The “No Complaint” Generation. Most know them as the “Greatest Generation”.

At lunch the other day, an elderly woman (we will call her S.T., as she is the original Story Teller), came into the restaurant where I was eating; S.T. was eager to share her story and did not wait for others to ask “how are you”?  S.T. was meeting a couple of friends, and S.T. could not even wait to sit down at the table, before sharing the big news in her life. 

Growing up, I noticed that people in my community would watch the relatives of the deceased, noticing if they did or did not cry; and passed judgment on that behavior.  For example, if a widow did not cry while her husband was eulogized and laid to rest, people would quietly whisper to each other “She is being very strong”.  

WHY?  Why do we do this to ourselves?

In all of the research regarding this topic, it boiled down to this:  Alone is a state of being and loneliness is a state of mind. 

A colleague referred me to René Brown’s Ted Talk.  She is an inspiring researcher that not only found ways to help all of us watching, but also herself.  Here are some of the highlights of her talk:

·      Connection is what gives purpose and meaning to life

·      Shame is the fear of disconnection

·      Do you believe you are worthy or belonging, being loved, being connected, to be imperfect?

·      Do you have the compassion to be kind to your self first… then to others

There is no way around dealing with life events.  Some are easy to process, others are difficult, and some are traumatic.  No matter what the event, we use learned coping skills to be able to move forward.  There are many people, especially men, who have decided that “Toughing it Out” is their way of coping, rather than “Talking it Out”.  But, what are the consequences?

In recent weeks I have overheard this conversation multiple times

Friend 1:  Wow, I am so overwhelmed

Friend 2:  Have you thought about seeking help?

Friend 1:  What do you mean?

Friend 2:  You know, go see a therapist

Friend 1:  I AM NOT CRAZY!

The implication here is that only crazy people need counseling, when in reality you are crazy for NOT going to counseling. 

Every year about this time, my mom makes her annual and confidant declaration: “Next year is going to be the BEST YEAR EVER!”

It does not matter how good or bad the year before has been, nor does it matter what the next year looks to be.  It is always the same, and it is always “THE BEST YEAR EVER!”

“Lovers fight when they believe their partners don't care about how they feel. They fight about the pain of disconnection.”  Dr. Steven Stosny. 

When we feel disconnected, it is vitally important to relive that pain and become connected again.  A huge, and common, mistake couples make while fighting is over exaggerating statements in order to make a point.  For example, how many times have you heard, “You never do this” or “You always do that”.

Fighting is inevitable within any relationship, but it does not have to be a negative or a destructive experience.  If both parties are fighting to improve the relationship and the situation rather then wanting to “be right” or to “win”, a lot of good can come from a confrontation.